On the paradox of choice and how to reset after achieving a mega-goal

How does one reset and recalibrate after achieving a mega-goal, reaching a dream that took years or decades?

This isn’t a one-size-fits-all, of course, but it’s happened to me several times – achieving something that took forever, and which doesn’t have a clear “next step” and not knowing exactly what to do next. What’s the next goal? I usually have a few things I’m pursuing at once, and there are several things on my plate – from impact at work (but doing well at work will always be in the mix) to running the Valencia Marathon this Sunday, Dec. 3 (but that goal ends in less than 72 hours!) to getting more settled in life in Barcelona.

Yet the No. 1 goal in my life for many years was to move to Spain. I got here 18 months ago, to Valencia, which I found I really loved as a city, but I also had spent 15 years dreaming most specifically of Barcelona (more than Madrid, and Valencia I’d only been to once before 2021). And now, as of earlier this month, I am living in Barcelona. Not only am I living in Barcelona, I am living in one of the neighborhoods that I specifically spent hours and hours and hours over the years looking at pisos on Idealista, imagining if I could buy one one day. I can’t buy yet, still paying off those Wharton student loans that are more than a hípoteca each month, but I found a gorgeous apartment that I can stay in for five years. And I’m also working literally a stone’s throw from the sea.

I’m still trying to process this. Sometimes (okay, many times a day), I just walk around smiling like, I’m here! This isn’t a dream and it’s not a vacation visit!

Which is quite delightful, I have to say.

But I also know myself (quite well, in fact!). I am not saying that just as a joke, like, yeah, of course you know your own self. A lot of people don’t really take time to reflect. I have, particularly in the wake of major life things the last few years. I know myself and what I want and don’t pretty well. And I am not going to be content to not have some other big, huge goal that I can’t accomplish in just a few months.

And there the paradox of choice comes in. If there are many paths one could take, how to choose? I’m not looking for a new job, I’m very happy in my role at Emergent. But I know I need something beyond that to shoot for. Whether it’s a mega-running goal, a side project that brings me back writing more or interviewing people, some sort of community involvement or looking years down the line to lay the groundwork to start my own company.

My choices have been somewhat constrained the last decade. I badly wanted to get to Spain, but I also had hefty medical loans and also student loans. The medical loans have been gone for a few years, and in a year and change, so will the student loans albatross be. And then I’ll have a whole world open to me.

Listening to Jessica O’Leary on Rob Ryan’s podcast this week, she said that as “someone who’s endlessly curious,” (me too), sometimes closing off doors is more helpful than opening them.

I’ve closed some, but there are plenty still open. And I am thankful to have people around me who encourage me to live big.

If you have ambitious goals in life, do you have that sort of people around you? That urge you to set big goals, to take up space, to shoot for the moon? Not everybody wants to live that way, but if you do, two types of people you need in your life are:

·      Those who will support you in going after the biggest challenges, who won’t encourage you to live an average life. Someonw who will support your exhuberance, passion, ambition. Your partner, if you have one, absolutely has to fit this category or you’re better off not having one.

·      Those who will give you a realistic assessment of when you are going down the wrong path or misestimating your chances of success. Don’t just follow one person’s call but you don’t want only enablers anymore than naysayers.

Several of the conversations that have stuck with me most in the last several years have encouraged me to think even bigger. Have told me I am capable of more. Have challenged me not to settle for so-so goals. In every case, they saw something more than I saw. Those people are gold, don’t let them go from your life.

Reads of the week(s) - many since it’s been ~3 weeks

• What it’s like dealing with a traumatic brain injury. An extremely well-done piece on losing one’s memory or at least full level of it. I know a version of this firsthand, though I fortunately recovered mine.

• Stellar interview with former head of Trust and Safety at Twitter Del Harvey

• A laundry list of anti-democracy behavior by Trump - it’s democracy or Trump, not a normal election.

• FIFA and Saudi Arabia. Somebody stop this monstrosity from happening, the World Cup in Saudi Arabia, where women and LGBTQ have almost no rights, and the bidding for which FIFA made a complete sham.

• Stories of two young Indian women and their long struggle to gain some independence. Really a fantastic read. There are a few chapters and a couple to go.

• Vitalik Buterin on AI, defense, decentralization, democracy and differential. Vitalik is neither a typical crypto bro or Silicon Valley hype person. This is a thoughtful and moderate take on the future of AI. Nobody has it all down and no one take is “the one,” in my opinion, but this is very well done.

• Deepfake pornography - so problematic and becoming much more powerful and much more dangerous with nonconsensual pornographic deepfakes and today’s level of generative AI.

• A happy story: Batkid in remission 10 years later

• Taking advantage of this year for women’s basketball

• Washington Post shows the actual destruction of mass shootings and AR-15s. Powerful and sad.

• On credibility of sideline reporters in wake of Charissa Thompson admission of lying and making up quotes. What she did damaged journalism.

• Why authoritarians appeal to some people

• Avance/extensión del verano en partes de España - cambio climático

• Transitions take courage and leaving the wrong relationship does too

• First Round best advice - First Round does terrific work, and on their anniversary, here are 100 pieces of their best advice.

• A woman who died of cancer paid off huge amounts of peoples’ medical debt thru fundraiser after her death

• A great read on a close family friend, Cath Bolkcom

Top podcast listens

• The ChangeUp with Keith Hernandez and Angela Darrisaw

• Adam Grant on Jay Shetty

• Kerry Washington on Trevor Noah

Did you know the saying Blood is thicker than water - actually the Bible quote is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, so the meaning is the opposite of how we usually use it. Kerry Washington quotes this on the podcast, discussing her book on finding out that her dad is not her biological dad. She said she feels more free as not so much to hide, released by the book being out. Her mother feels lighter. Trevor Noah - I think people take for granted how much secrets wall us off from each other

• Esther Perel on Shane Parrish Dec 2019

• Dr Gio Valiente on discipline and resilience

• Jessica O’Leary on Rob Ryan - as someone who’s endlessly curious, sometimes closing off doors is more helpful; living Ireland, Spain, US, Australia… comfort isn’t an easy muscle, … just ask - what’s the worst that can happen?

Books

• Thicker Than Water - by Kerry Washington, in the actress learning her dad is not genetically her dad, and other parts of her life journey, including sexual abuse as a child

• Your Face Belongs To Us: A Secretive Startup’s Quest To End Privacy As We Know It - by Kashmir Hill - on Clearview AI and the dismantling of privacy on biometrics

Movie

• American Symphony on Netflix, on writer Suleika Jaouad and singer/musician Jon Batiste, living tremendous highs and lows as he is winning Grammys while she faces a recurrence of cancer. It’s powerful.